Shit NOT To Do In Preparation For Exams

It's been just another uneventful Tuesday today. Nothing much going on today, at least for me. In other news, the February test is just around the corner and I assume everyone's racing to update and hand in homework, while trying to squeeze some study time in there, in between the many tuition classes everyone seems to take these days, and life in general.

When I started on this, I didn't really have a topic but here it is!(-ish) We're going to give you guys some helpful tips; things to NOT DO in the upcoming week and a half leading up to D-day, so let's start with:

Number 1: Osmosis DOESN'T WORK!

By osmosis, we mean trying to absorb information from your many reference books and notes by piling them all on your desk and totally cluttering up the place, so you have to move mountains of Sejarah notes to look for your magic hiding highlighter (speaking of highlighters, we'll get to those in just a bit). Seriously, guys, it doesn't work. And you'll also be wasting precious time digging up your books and notes from your bags and drawers or cabinets. What you should do is get a good book, sit down and study. I like to do my studying in the morning, when the temperature and light is just right, and also, my neighbor's house doesn't sound like they're demolishing it (which is what they're sort of doing now).

Not pictured: The sounds of drills, sledge hammers and horrible singing coming from right outside my window.

Number 2: Highlighters Don't Do Shit.

It may come as no surprise to you that your mind doesn't pick up words like people do with free stuff, just because they're colored brightly. No?!!? U not wanting to believe moi?!?! Then how do you explain that the very same people who told you that, were also the ones trying to SELL you the freaking highlighters?

"If you buy Stabilo too, you'll look just as perky and successful as I am! Also, I said 'LOOK,' as successful. Actual results may vary.'

Wanting to turn your reference book into a life replica of nyan cat is just your brain flipping out from stress. People having nervous breakdowns revert back to infancy and start flinging their poop around. You're having 40 percent of a nervous breakdown, and reverting to preschool logic. "I'll take the most essential parts of my stuff and COLOR THEM IN! Yay!"

It's understandable, but it's profoundly stupid. If you notice yourself lighting a textbook up like TRON fanfic, drop the highlighter. Instead, try writing out the key points of your reading material on a separate page you can study easily and anywhere. If that sounds like too much work, well done, you've just found out why people highlight instead.

Number 3: If You're Rereading, Chances Are You're Not Actually Studying.

Re-reading your notes does not count as studying, even if it is the easiest way to technically study while watching funny cat videos Set aside time to actually engage with the material. If you're doing Chem, Physics or Math, do problems. If you're in history, write out key elements of a period in a paragraph, or try to teach the chapters you've read to your classmates who didn't read them, and have him try to teach you the ones he read.

If you're studying English lit, put down the book you already read, and write a one page essay discussing how Miss Broome is the weakest ghost ever and she's got nothing on the ones in Poltergeist or The Shining. Do something, anything, which tests your knowledge or makes you actually think, then use your notes to find out what you'd forgotten. Then do the problem again. Instead of sitting and reconfirming, "Yep, I sure can read this language all right!"

 Number 4: You SHOULD Do Exam Problems (Unless They're Outdated)

There's a saying that you prepare for exams by doing exams! Because doing pretend exams prepares you for the actual exam, exam!

Seriously, it's one of the best ways around to study. For one, you won't go shit yourself when you're in the exam hall/classroom and you think, 'hmm, this looks somewhat familiar.' Go out, get a copy of the past year questions with answers and then just go all out. Also, this could help: know what's coming out so you don't waste time studying all the unnecessary things. On second thought, save the past year questions for mid year and the finals, when the papers are based more on the actual thing.

Number 5: SKIP THE BITCHING.

"I'm so scgrewed!" - Annoying Facebook Girl. "Shit! I didn't study. I'm going to fail!", etc. etc. It's a recurring theme every exam season. About everyone with access to the internet will affirm that they:

a) did not study
 b) is screwed, and

What you should be doing instead is shutting down your machine, and getting your borderline-anxiety ass over to a book. Open it up. Study. Presto. Keep it up and you are now set for the exams. (YOU JUST ONE WON ONE MILLION REAL LIFE POINTS!!! Internetz are overrated anyway.)

6) Quit Building The Perfect Nest.

And by nest, we're of course talking about getting comfy. I think we've all done it once upon a time; create just the right setting for hours of cramming at your desk. Whether you want to set up your surround sound or have a mini fridge in your room (I should totally get my own mini fridge), everyone wants to be comfortable while studying. Unfortunately, that just doesn't work. Why? Because it's not comfortable enough, IT'S NEVER COMFORTABLE ENOUGH!

 "Hold up, guys! I just gotta turn these into juice. Then I'll drink it all up and then totally insomnia-out later tonight beating myself up for not studying."

 In times of stress, the Examinated Student (Stressus Procrastinatus) can spend over an hour crafting the perfect study nest to defend itself from guilt. It all has to be just right, from lighting to coffee, because every single thing that needs to be fixed is another reason not to actually study yet. Some students spend longer trying to reach the perfect setup than Buddhist Monks spend trying to reach Nirvana, and with less tangible results.

7) Life Isn't All About Doing Exams.

Complaining that the exam was unfair is generally the best way to go through the uncomfortable process of failing a class, while not learning that any of the above strategies are bullshit.
The most common post-exam complaint is, "Why didn't the classes just teach us how to do the exam?" For the same reason sex isn't just wetting a condom and throwing it in the toilet. Your teachers are actually trying to teach you the subject (in most cases). Exams aren't the point of education. You can be Einstein and be a total dick about it or you can be Average Joe and be a lovable member of society. Frankly, there are too many dickhead Einsteins and plain morons all over, so much so, that we could solve the energy crisis if we could somehow harness power from evil, greed and stupidity. Exams used to be walking into a room with all the smart people and just talking to them until they decided whether you were a dumbass or not. We suspect most students don't want to go back to that.

"Sorry, Gordon. Multiple choice doesn't count for shit when you don't know what you're talking about."

Now that higher education isn't just for nobility we can't do it that way. Hundreds of thousands of people get into higher education. This is progress. But it's not going to be a perfect system.
You're in school to learn how to think and do things. Exams are an extremely small part of that. If you treat the only minor obstacles in five years of opportunity unmatched in the entire history of human civilization as a huge hassle to be avoided, you're right when you say the educational system isn't working for you. But it's not the educational system's fault. Well, that was bullshit. It totally is!

-Le Renard